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Dear Jose

Sorry to hear about you getting the sack from Chelsea. They always were a bunch of ingrates. Anyway if you’re looking to get straight back on the horse, Fulham have been keeping the Head Coach role vacant for just such an occasion. Here’s a list of reasons why you should think about taking over at Fulham:

• You wouldn’t need to move house.
• You don’t need the money by the sounds of things so you could focus on taking a job for the love of the game.
• You could immediately promote your son to the first team.
• You’d be away from the spotlight, Sky Sports don’t even have directions to Motspur Park.
• Ross McCormack > Radamel Falcao
• Weekly Geordie Shore viewing parties at Dan Burn and Shaun Hutchinson’s houses.
• No John Terry
• Instead of a Russian owner who thinks he knows everything, we have an American owner who doesn’t claim to know anything.
• You get an Owners Box ticket to the Jacksonville Jaguars v Indianapolis Colts next October.
• Unlimited cups of Bovril for only £2.20 a cup.
• We never win anything so you wouldn’t need to worry about John Terry stealing everybody else’s thunder at the trophy presentation.
• Sightseeing trips to Bolton, Rotherham and Preston.
• We classify a 1 goal home defeat to Bournemouth as a good result.
• You can select your own pre-season tour venue, as long as you don’t mind 3* hotels and dressing rooms where only the cold water tap works.
• You don’t have to play Cesc Fabregas, but we’ll look the other way if you bring him with you and stick him in the reserves.
• Instead of an underground music venue that sometimes hosts jazz concerts, we have a defender called Jazz, therefore cutting out the middle man. You can have all Jazz all the time.
• The referees are all too rubbish in the Championship to be biased against you.
• Lilly Allen used to support Fulham and then switched to Chelsea. Need we say more.
• Fulham can beat Juventus in Europe.
• You’ll get two opportunities to beat Chelsea next season.
• Cauley Woodrow’s banter.

Well, I think that’s fairly conclusive.

See you soon

Yours, Fulham x