I often sit back, put my feet up with a lovely cup of tea and think about things. Just the other day I was contemplating becoming a vegan. I was thinking it’d be easy. Then I realised that I’m actually quite fond of cheese, eggs of all varieties and we all know soya milk in tea is just plain wrong. Other than those items, and those items alone I thought, I’d be fine with going without. But then it struck me I’d be giving up more than just them.

If I turned vegan I would have to give up my love affair with football.

Not following me? Thinking I’ve turned into some jibbering idiot? Let me take you by the hand and gently show you what has been staring you in the face all this time…

I’m not sure if it’s happened just recently or if the link has always been there, but my eyes were opened to the blatant link between the beautiful game and dairy products.

It may have passed you by as only one or two papers cover it, but Rooney had some kind of lovers tiff with Man Yoo. But then they made up as quickly as they’d fallen out. I was confused but luckily SAF cleared it all up for me:

“Sometimes you look in a field and you see a cow and you think it’s a better cow than the one you’ve got in the field. It’s a fact, right, and it never really works out that way. It’s probably the same cow and it’s not as good as your own cow. Some players like to think there’s a better world somewhere else. It never really works”

And Raffa went even further with this statement:

“We have a saying in Spanish, which is: ‘White liquid in a bottle has to be milk

“White liquid in a bottle. If I see John the milkman in the Wirral, where I was living, with this bottle, I’d say, ‘It’s milk, sure'”

Cows – first link. But I can tell you’re still not convinced so let me cite, what many pundits will have you believe is the footballing equivalent of Plato, Jose Mourinho. On the subject of his squad while at that lot down the road:

“It’s all about omelettes and eggs. No eggs, no omelette. And it depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket, you have eggs class one, class two, class three. Some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem”

Eggs – bang! Another link.

And you only have to see the number of players who have dairy inspired names: Wayne Moo-ney, Feta Cech, Tony Edams and Peter Stilton.
And the number of clubs with links too! How have we not noticed this before? I’m not one of these fruitcakes who claim everything’s a conspiracy, but there’s certainly something going on that we haven’t been told about. You have: Cow-donbeath, Red Leicester City and Sheffield Wensleydale. And let us not forget about the Milk Cup.

It’s not technically a dairy product but sugar is often served with tea, and if we’re having odd managers comments it’d be churlish to not include another from Rafa because he’s as mad as a box of frogs. So, when asked about Uncle Roy at Liverpool he moves it round to the sweet stuff:

“Every single press conference is even worse than the last one. He’s talking about things that he doesn’t know. And some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar”

And so we have it. Football and Dairy products go hand in hand. Become a vegan, wave goodbye to football.