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That used to the headline when we wrote about the ridiculous transfer stories that grabbed our attention during summers gone by so I thought I’d use to sit above this look at this lunchtime’s tittle-tattle.

The Sun (a reliable source if ever there was one) reckons we’re close to finalising a deal with Everton to bring Andy Johnson to Craven Cottage. Believable? Maybe. I’d be very surprised if MAF would shell out £10.5m however.

Now the Sky Sports News ticker tells us that they expect Fulham to bid for Johnson sometime today. Does this mean we might be fielding Johnson & Johnson up front?

The Manchester Evening News reckons Louis Saha could be on his way back. They say he was left out of United’s tour of South Africa but Lou Macari thought he was injured (again) on Saturday. Now, Saha was excellent at his best for Fulham – both in Division 1 and then in that golden season under Coleman – but his comments about leaving for ‘zero euros’ still grate. His sky-high wages might be a problem, however.

The main news north of the border concerns the on-off transfer of Steven Davis to Rangers. He was left out against Celtic on Saturday and Roy’s holding firm in asking last season’s UEFA Cup finalists to match Fulham’s valuation.

“The lad’s a good player and worth the sum we’re asking,” says Hodgson (quoted in the Sunday Mail). He enjoyed his spell at Ibrox and fears he won’t break into our midfield. I’ll be happy to work with Steve this season but he won’t join us on our tour of Korea this week. With this uncertainty about his future it’s better he stays at home.” The paper also has Hodgson scorching rumours of a swap deal for Daniel Cousin.

David Healy’s agent has had to defend the striker after he was accused of inciting Celtic fans by imitating an Orange marcher whilst warming up on Saturday. The Daily Mail quotes Stephen Hughes claiming that Healy’s flute-playing antics were not malicious. The anti-sectarian charity Nil By Mouth has called on both clubs to condemn the gesture. Interestingly, Leo Spall’s former publication, the Evening Standard, were banned from Craven Cottage last season after they continued their fine tradition of objective reporting.